I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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