he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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