apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
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