The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
