My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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