Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
