Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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