I'm so fucking centered right now
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
