So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
