I accidentally burped into my bong.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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