yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
