Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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