So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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