Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
