You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
