NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
