My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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