Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
