he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
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