im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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