is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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