I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
