Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
