people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
