We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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