I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
