Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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