My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize