I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
