I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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