i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
