planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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