I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize