A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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