Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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