she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
