I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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