Jerry, you need to find god
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He shit in the fireplace
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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