I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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