My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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