i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
