i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
