We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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