I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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