i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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