Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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