Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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