Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
