i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
