Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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