And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
