The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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