I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize