Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
