I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
