I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
