i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
