It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
3 2 1 whiskey
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
