Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Randomize
