just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
And then my night got REAL pukey
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
