Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
