I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
