So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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