When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
