It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
